Your Reaction to Autism- What Helps, and What Doesn't

My life is crazy busy right now.  Really really super crazy not-one-moment-to-spare busy.  Eat-too-much crap-food-to-stay-awake busy.  Can't-sleep (happens when I am overly stressed) busy.  Busy-with-mostly-good-things busy, but still too busy.  I'm going to do something about this overly-busy-ness soon, really, but right now I'm going to take a few minutes to put the busy-ness aside and write this. 

The whole fam at Soldier Hollow.

 Last night we went on a long-planned outing with the whole family (10 of us these days!) up to go tubing at Soldier Hollow with our Groupons.  Tubing when its 60 degrees outside?  Yup.  Place closes this weekend, and who knew we'd have the warmest and weirdest winter ever this year when we picked this date?  Anyway, it was lots of fun even though we only took one "run" in the sluggish slush and then got rainchecks for next season.  We ate dinner at Dairy Keen in quaint Heber City, which the kids loved for the trains going around the room and we loved for the onion rings.    Everyone was happy.  It was a great night, but a late one.  So, this morning, I decided to let the little boys "sleep in".  Mistake number one.

Because, you see, I broke the routine, and if there is one thing an autistic person doesn't like, its a break in routine. 

Before we left the house my autistic son Lucas (9) was a little more hyper than usual, climbing up and down on the furniture, running back and forth across the room, chest butting his brothers, singing whale songs (Luke's current obsession is whales), refusing to get dressed so I had to dress him like a toddler- basically not a great morning, but not a terrible one. Not that different from hundreds (thousands?) of other mornings at the Sanders house.

Then we took Max (8) to his school to check him in.  Lucas was "on one".  Running through the halls with his sweatshirt hanging off his shoulders (pet peeve of mine), pushing Jacob (5), being loud- literally bouncing off the walls.  Nothing I could do to stop him.  He ran up to the closed glass door of Max's classroom where someone (a visitor?) was up in front teaching the class and threw himself *hard* against the glass with both arms up, then loudly "melted" down the door.  Not only everyone in the class saw it, but all of the other kids who were nearby in the hall area doing reading groups, etc..  Everyone just stopped and stared. I quickly said goodbye to Max, told him to try hard and have a good day and  picked Lucas up, kicking and screaming (remember, he's nine, so picking him is getting harder and harder- what will I do when I can't carry him any more?), and carried him away as he loudly told me "I want a drink" "I don't care about you" and "I'm going to run away".

Lovely fun.  

By the time we got to Lucas' school, though, he was fine.  He happily held my hand as I walked him to his class and he told me "I love you Mommy".  That's the thing with Austism.  Thankfully, at least in my Lucas' case, the hard times don't last.

So here's the deal.  What do you do when you see a kid obviously misbehaving like this?  Do you judge the parent?  Do you think to yourself  "Why doesn't that parent control his/her child?".  Do you "tsk tsk" under your breath?  Do you turn away, awkwardly pretending that you don't see what is going on?  I know I've probably done all of these things at one time or another.   

The truth is, you don't know what is going on with that child and that parent.  Maybe the child has a disability you can't necessarily see, whether its autism or something else.  Maybe (probably) that parent is as embarrassed and dismayed (or more) by the behavior you are seeing as you are.  Maybe that parent is doing everything they can, while trying to manage their lives and their other children.  Maybe they have made great strides with that kid, but right now the kid is just having a moment. 

I recently came across a blog post about this that I really loved.  Here is the link.  Take a minute and read it.

And, next time you see a child melting down, consider what to do.  Consider looking at the parent with compassion, rather than judgement.  Consider offering to help, especially if they have younger children that they are also trying to manage.  Consider saying something like "It must be hard"  rather than "I know just what you are going through.  My little Jimmy (normal kid) once had a tantrum in the grocery store and ........."

I remember the quote I used to hear a lot as a kid.  It went something like this 

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his moccasins".

And for those of you who are already doing everything I said, those who support and love us and our kids, no matter how they are acting, THANK YOU.  You don't know how much it means to us. 

Me? Racist? The "Dumb Haole" Years

Seventh grade me with our cat Popoki (means "cat" :)

Not too long ago one of my online students accused me of being a racist bigot when I marked a bunch of her answers wrong on a Civil Rights assignment (they really were wrong).  Me?  Racist?  Really?  I come from a multiracial adoptive family (white, African American, Korean).  I have three Latino sons.  I have a gay brother.  All of this got me thinking back on my experiences and doing a little reflecting.

My experiences in the multicultural world were pretty limited until I was 12 and we moved to Hawaii where my brother in law was to serve a tour of duty for the US Navy.  We thought it would be really cool to live by the ocean, so we rented a little house in Ewa Beach and moved on in.  

The walls were so thin you could see through them.

 My first day at Ilima Intermediate school was a real eye-opener.  I was the only "haole" (white) girl in most of my classes.  I became a target for some of the "local" (Polynesian) girls who would constantly put stuff in my hair, take my things, and do basically whatever else they could think of to "get" me, and then ask me repeatedly "What?  You like beef?" They were not asking if I liked meat.  They were asking if I wanted to fight.  This became a daily occurrence.  I planned my school days to avoid needing a trip to the restroom.  I found a white friend who felt just as scared as I did, and we sat around at lunch complaining about how much we hated it there, and how much we missed our wonderful lives on the mainland.  After a while all of the complaining got really boring. It was stupid and pathetic, and I'm not proud of my seventh grade self for having done it.


After seventh grade we moved closer to Pearl Harbor, where there were more military kids.  My intermediate/high schools were more ethnically balanced. I grew to like living in Hawaii more and more.  Our congregation at church grew so large that it was divided, and my family ended up in the ward with only "local" youth.  I was the only haole once again.  At first I was worried that it would be a repeat of seventh grade.  But it wasn't. I wasn't that same scared little girl. It was awesome.  I learned all of the "dumb haole" jokes, which my local friends told around me, but then ended them with "''cept you".  I had a crush on a boy who was Hawaiian Chinese for ever.  He went to Kamehameha school, a private school that you have to be Hawaiian to go to, and his father was a fire dancer in Waikiki.  Yep, really.  They were so cool.  One time I went to this "secret" restaurant with them where everybody was "local" (no haoles) and they chanted the blessing on the food in Hawaiian.  Super cool.  I wanted to be "local" SO BAD.  

I grew to be so comfortable and familiar with the culture that a few people asked me if maybe I was Maori.  I couldn't be white.  I wanted to lie and say that I was.  After all, I had the hair (see above) and with a bit of a tan well....  I could pass....

Friends from church

 But not really.  I was still a white girl and there was no escaping it.  Even after I had lived in Hawaii for four years and then come back there for a time at BYU Hawaii I was treated as a dumb haole.  People assumed that I didn't understand what they were saying when they talked "pidgin" and used Hawaiian words.  Sometime they would stop and explain things to me, even though I didn't need an explanation.  I had lived there, surrounded by local friends for years.  I had taken Hawaiian history.  I understood the words, ate the foods, knew what they were talking about.  That didn't matter.  


One time I talked to a haole professor (who taught Hawaiian history) at BYU Hawaii about this. He had lived in the islands for decades and was married to a Hawaiian woman.  He not only was an expert on Hawaiian history, but he spoke Hawaiian.  None of this, he said, mattered.  He was still, and forever would be in the eyes of some, a "dumb haole".

I remember well one night when some friends and I were heading back to Laie from Honolulu, where we had been shopping.  There were six of us, four girls and two guys.  The guys were from New Zealand, but looked white.  We missed one of our buses, so we had to do a transfer, late at night, in a fairly remote place.   We were standing there waiting in front of a chain link fence for our bus when two cars of young local guys pulled up in front of us and started calling us names and trying to get the guys we were with to fight.  It was really scary.  The words were flying, and tempers were hot.  A couple of guys got out of their cars and grabbed one of the guys I was with and pinned him against the fence.  Finally he spoke up.  Once he did, one of the local guys recognized that he wasn't just a "dumb haole" from his accent and convinced his friends to back off and leave us alone.  It was a close call, and I was grateful for that accent, and for the guy who recognized it.  Who knows what might have happened otherwise.


When we moved back to the mainland from Hawaii I hated it at first.  It was so boring.  So whitebread.  No culture.  At my high school in Hawaii we had princes and princesses representing all of the different islands for dances.  We had huge dinners at church with the most amazing food and music from everywhere.  I was covered with leis our last Sunday as my friends sang "Aloha Oi" to our family.  Now what was there?  Cowboy culture?  

Yee Haw yuck.  


I still miss the cultural diversity of Hawaii.  I love my neighborhood, but wish it showed a few more colors of the rainbow.  I'm grateful for my years living as a dumb haole.  Pretty eye-opening.  Pretty awesome.

Jobs- A Short History and a New Adventure

I got my first official job when I was 15 and we lived in Hawaii.  We were poor enough that I qualified for a special summer work program. I ended up being assigned to "Waimanu Home for the Mentally Retarded".  Not PC to call it that today, but that was what it was called then.  I had the coolest boss.   His name was Clyde.  We would pile all of these intellectually handicapped adults into a van and take them on adventures.  They would take their clothes off any time, any place.  They must have gotten bulk parmesan cheese at their cafeteria, because the smell of Parmesan will always remind me of that place.  I was the only haole (white) girl who worked there.  One of my best friends worked there too- her name was Toakase Fakava.  She had a huge Afro with a comb stuck in it and was one of 16 children.  Her home had no furniture, just woven mats on the floor.  They were from Tonga, and they were awesome.  That job taught me that I never wanted to work with mentally handicapped people, that it just wasn't "me", that being around "those kind of people" was something I just "wasn't cut out for".  Hmmm.  Maybe Heavenly Father knew differently.....

That job was followed by LOTS of waitressing jobs.  North's Chuckwagon where a pot full of hot coffee exploded all over me, Mr. Steak,  two summers waitressing in what felt like a postcard in Grand Teton National Park at Signal Mountain Lodge , the graveyard shifts in Grand Junction where the yucky old Greek man stuck his tongue in my ear and all the drunks thought they were hilarious, one night as an accidental cocktail waitress (now THAT was a mistake), Utah Seafood Company where I was fired for leaving an odd spoon on the table, but really for not being a part of the hot tub/partying crowd, the Claimjumper up Provo Canyon where I spent a memorable stroke of 12:00am on New Years Eve in my car with a breast pump. The things we do to pay the bills.  I respect waiters/waitresses.  In a busy restaurant they must be incredible multi-taskers and deal with LOTS of stress.  Stress that used to make me have crazy waitressing dreams, where I was "sat" six huge tables at the same time and we were out of everything.  That's stress.

While I was a student at BYU I had a couple of very glamorous jobs.  I worked custodial from 10:00pm-2:00am Monday- Thursday nights.  I got to do exciting things like cleaning bathrooms and vacuuming.  Lots of vacuuming.  I was a favorite target of some of the guys I worked with- always good for a big old jump when they snuck up behind me when I was vacuuming all alone in the middle of the night.  I actually didn't mind that job much.  Made some good friends, and it was better than the Morris Center cafeteria where I wore the ugly nurses uniform and scraped food off lunch trays.

Since graduating I've taught just about every Social Studies subject there is to students in grades 7-12.  I've taught US History, Geography, American Government, Sociology, History of the American West, Careers, Health, Service Learning and World History.  I've also been the Social Studies specialist for my school district.  I love to teach.  The time flies for me, I get to be creative, I am my own boss, I love getting to know my students- I am a teaching nerd.  Its stressful, though, no doubt.  When I first started teaching my waitressing dreams were substituted with teaching dreams.  I've had many.  This is the typical scenario:

"Its the first day of school at an inner city school.  I am completely unprepared to teach my class full of gang members who look up at me menacingly from their chairs. I search for an exit but there isn't one."

Yeah, that one is a classic.

Tomorrow I am starting a new adventure.  I am going to be a teacher-mentor for JHAT, the Jordan History Academy for Teachers.  Its a joint project of Provo, Wasatch, Jordan and Murray districts.   Its part-time, and I basically get to set my own hours, so it should be perfect for my life and my family right now.  Its exciting, and a little scary.  Mostly its scary because for now I will also be continuing to do what I've been doing for the last 12 years (along with some time in the classroom)- teaching online for Utah's Electronic High School, and I'm hoping that I can handle it all.  My duties for EHS are changing, though, and EHS will be dead and gone (courtesy of the Utah Legislature) by the end of this summer, so I just need to last that long.

And, oh yeah, still be a good mom to my kids, and pull off a wedding in three months.

I can do this.  Breathe, Jan.  Breathe.  

But for  now, back to the sewing machine.  Bridesmaids dress number one, here we come!

A Change of Plans

So, I'm alive.  And well.  Really.  Or at least mostly.  Right now I am getting over pneumonia, which isn't fun.  But, aside from hacking up a lung on occasion and not having much energy, I am feeling better,  in lots of ways.

Garrett came home early from his LDS mission a little over two weeks ago.  It seems like longer.  Seems almost like he never left.  Its weird.  The whole time he was gone was so emotional.  Such a roller coaster.  How is he doing today?  Is it a good day?  A bad day?  Will we get "the" phone call?

And then the phone call came.  It was so dramatic, so traumatic at first.  Friends and family were amazingly great.  So supportive.  So loving of us, and of Garrett.  Our bishop went out of his way to make Garrett feel welcome at church, as did so many people.  I was proud of my ward, proud of my Church.  I was proud of Garrett.  Home less than 24 hours and right there at all three meetings at church, and then, suggesting we go to choir together.  Brave kid.  

Now, well, it feels normal.  Was that really only two weeks ago?  We scrambled, and got him right back into school.  His cousin Chase got him a job at the rec center as a building supervisor.  He and his girlfriend Ashlie are close as ever.  He is happy.   Sometimes I get sad, but less and less often.  Its a grieving process.  This isn't what I planned for him.  For us.  For my ideal family.  But its good.  His testimony is intact, stronger than ever, he says.  And I have to believe him.  I want to believe him.  He hasn't given me reason not to believe him.  So I do.  And it gives me comfort.  A lot of comfort.

His future?  Well, no decisions for a while.  And that's a good thing.  Anyway, these aren't my decisions to make, darn it.  Ah, parenting adult children.  Certainly not for wimps.

And I still love my boy.

Holiday Service- Move over, Mr. Grinch

I've been feeling really blessed these last couple of days.  As you might have gathered, its been a stressful fall around here.  I've been concerned for people that I love, and praying hard.  And I've been blessed.  Really blessed.  The peace I talked about in my last post is here, in my heart.  I am grateful.  It is sustaining. I hope I can hold on to it.

I love this time of year.  As I think back on holidays past, I remember lots of things- the kids faces, the parties with friends and families, the music, the traditions.  The presents I got?  A few, but not many.  

One of the things I remember most about holidays past is the opportunities  we've had to serve.  The year we cleaned out the girls Barbies and put several into "kits" with combed hair, a cute outfit plus a spare, shoes, a brush, etc. and took them to a Headstart class.  The year we dropped off a complete Christmas to a family in need and got to see their faces.  Feeding the homeless on New Years.  Sub 4 Santas.  Knitting hats, hats and more hats. Other things.  We're not perfect, not by any means.  Some years we've been able to serve more than others.  But always, when we've done it, its been a good thing.

I've done a bit of looking, and if you are still looking for opportunities to do service in the Salt Lake City area this season, this is a list of some things I have found. 

•  Boys and Girls Club of South Valley   

• Contact: Stephanie Linton #385-646-4948 Donations: The Community Learning Center at Oquirrh Hills Elementary (West Jordan) is in need of the following items: Copy paper, copy paper, copy paper.  They could also use any sort of art supplies (especially consumables), playground equipment (soccer balls, basketballs, jump ropes, etc.), other office supplies (staples, staplers, tape, pens and pencils, paper clips, binders), and cleaning supplies (Lysol disinfectant spray, or hand sanitizer).

• Catholic Community Services
  Contact: Janet Healy #801-428-1242
  Donations: Gift of the Drummer: Start a holiday tradition with your family, friends or company and sponsor refugee and low-income children with holiday presents this year.
  Needed items are: diapers (all sizes), coats, sweat shirts, sweaters, under garments, gift certificates (shoes, clothes, etc.), gloves, hats, scarves, educational toys and/gifts without batteries, toiletries and set of twin sheets. Simply go shopping and then bring the unwrapped gifts to CCS for distribution.
  Email: drummer@ccsutah.org to participate in the program or www.ccsutah.org for more details. 
• Children’s Service Society
  Contact: Emily Redd #801-326-4371
  Donations: NEW items for children 5 and under: board books and picture books. Ages 4-12: clothes, hats, gloves, coats, toys, and games. Ages 13-15: gloves, gift certificates, and movie passes.
• Salt Lake Community Action Program
  Contact: Danny Jasperson #801-214-3138 (djasperson@slcap.org)
  Donations: Non-perishable food items, baby supplies (diapers, formula, and baby food), and personal hygiene products.
  Volunteers: Distribute holiday meals and emergency food to hungry families in your community.
• South Valley Sanctuary
  Contact: Alexandra Flores #801-255-1095 ext.202
  Donations: Clothing, shoes, baby items, cleaning products of all types, detergent (powder), trash bags 39 gallons and 13 gallons, washing machine and dryer. Volunteers: Volunteers are needed to keep up with painting projects.
• The Children’s Center
  Contact: Penney Gregerson #801-578-2329
  Donations: The Children’s Center depends on the community to help replace worn-out toys and stock our shelves with snacks, diapers and clothes for the children. Please visit their website www.tccslc.org to see their full wish list.
• The Road Home
  Contact: Celeste Eggert #801-328-8756
  Volunteers: Volunteers needed December 21st- 24th to help with their radio broadcast to raise funds to help fight homelessness.
• Volunteers of America, Utah
  Contact: Lindsay Hinton (Lindsay.hinton@voaut.org)
  Donations: VOAUT serves youth and adults experiencing homelessness, struggling with substance abuse, and involved in counseling and treatment programs. Items are needed for Candy Cane Corner providing needed holiday assistance. Items include: new teen clothing, accessories, men's clothing, toys, backpacks, sleeping bags (new or gently used), tarps, pajamas, sweatshirts and sweatpants, long underwear, gift cards to grocery stores and clothing stores, bus tokens, movie passes, and holiday food items.
  Volunteers: Volunteer groups needed at several programs to help sort donations &/or host a donation drive. Other opportunities include helping at their Adult Detox, Center for Women and Children, and their Homeless Youth Resource Center to offer game nights, baking and crafts, holiday meals or other holiday cheer. Also, during the month of December up until the 24th they will need volunteers Monday-Sunday at their Candy Cane Corner store.
• United Way of Salt Lake is looking for volunteers to help with its gingerbread house festival, Dec. 14-17, 3-10 p.m. Those interested in helping should email emilie@uw.org for additional information.
• Bank of Utah locations from Ogden to Sandy will hold a warm clothing drive through Dec. 16. Coats, hats, scarves, gloves blankets and new children's underwear can be taken to a bank location  (www.bankofutah.com)
• Trolley Square, 600 S. 700 East, will be collecting gently used shoes to benefit Soles4Souls, through Jan. 31. Donation bins will be available at all mall entrances. (www.trolleysquare.com or www.giveshoes.org)

Just reading this incomplete list makes me stop for a minute, as I sit here typing away on one of multiple computers we have in our warm home with our fully stocked refrigerator and closets.  There are so many needs out there that it can be a bit overwhelming.  

Okay Janet.  Breathe, pick something, involve the kids, jump in.  It doesn't have to be a big thing, as they say, to be a big help and maybe, just maybe, give that Grinch, or worse-yet that Gimme monster, a big kick in the butt.

What have been your favorite experiences with holiday service?  Is there a need out there that you know of that I missed?  Let me know!

Sometimes He Calms the Storm...

There is a line, I believe that it is from a Christian Pop song, that says "Sometimes He calms the storm, other times He calms his child."  I like this line. 






Yesterday we went to the baptism of a sweet neighbor boy.  It was a wonderful event. His face beamed with a pure, clean light.   While we were waiting to go in to the baptism my almost-five-year-old son Jacob sat on my lap as we watched a film called Finding Faith in Christ.  You can watch it here.  Its a film about the life of Christ, from the perspective of his disciple Thomas, and shows examples of how his faith has grown.  In the film, among his other miracles, Jesus heals many people who are sick.  


Today in church Jacob turned to me and asked "What is that?"- pointing to the oxygen tank being used by a man sitting near us.  I told him.  Then he asked "But why is he shaking like that?".  "Because, honey, he is sick," I said.  "Jesus could heal him" Jake said.  "Yes, yes he could.  But, (I had to think for a minute) sometimes Jesus doesn't heal everyone that is sick.  Sometimes he just helps them feel better in their hearts."


Yes, He does.


Its a stressful time at my house.  Some of us are dealing with some hard things, things that we wish would be "calmed" or just "miraculously" go away.  Experience tells me, though, that grand, call-in-the-brass-band type miracles rarely happen.  Its okay, though. We will be fine.  


"Sometimes He calms he storm, other times He calms his child."  All we have to do is keep asking for that calm, and do our part.  And then we have our own, quiet, wonderfully sustaining private miracle of peace.


If only I could remember this ALL the time, instead of resorting to beating my head against the wall screaming for fairness in this unfair and imperfect world.


Working on it.

The Adoption Option- My Story

I have a million and one things on my list to do today, but that doesn't matter.  The timer is set, I have 30 minutes to write this post.  And I need to.  Because it is important.


November is National Adoption Month.  And adoption is a subject I feel passionately about. Very passionately.  So be prepared.


As you probably know, I was adopted by my sister when I was twelve.  As a result of cancer she contracted with a pregnancy at 18 years of age, my sister couldn't have biological children.  So, she adopted not only me, but five other children.  Dan (as a baby), Amy (from Korea- adopted at age 15), Sabrina and Jon (bi-racial African-American/white, adopted at ages five and three from the foster care system) and Katie (adopted as a baby, profoundly deaf). Once a newspaper in the Portland area did a feature on our "Rainbow" family.  Things weren't always easy with all of these kids (still aren't).  We've all had our unique bag of issues.  But we love each other, and we have each other.  We're family.


After we had our third child, our son Garrett, Spence and I weren't able to biologically have more children.  We were okay with that for a while, but once Erin (our oldest) reached about ninth grade we had a bit of a panic.  We weren't ready to be done being parents!  We are the oldest in both of our families, and our siblings and friends were still having young kids.  We didn't feel old, or eager to be "done".  We decided to look into adoption.


We thought about foreign adoption but decided it wasn't for us. The cost is high, usually at least $30K, and there are (believe it or not) weight requirements.  We knew that the chances of a birth mother here in the U.S. choosing us, an "older", non-perfect looking couple who already had three children were slim (and that way costs a lot, too).  We looked into adoption through the state.

Long story short, our family has grown from three to six wonderful children, who have blessed our lives more than I can say.
What about you?  Have you ever considered adoption?  Did you know that...

• There are 107,000 children currently waiting for permanent homes in the United States.  Hundreds waiting in the state of Utah.  Many are BABIES.  Did you know that there are many babies available right now, in Utah?
• Adoption through the state costs NOTHING.  Zero.  Zip.  Most also come with Medicaid cards, so all medical costs are covered for them until they are eighteen, even after adoption.
• Yes, these children come from high risk backgrounds.  Most are victims of abuse or neglect so they will probably have issues that you will have to work through.  Honestly, though, most people who have unplanned pregnancies are risk takers, so you may be getting the same high-risk type background in a child you adopt privately.
• You don't have to be perfect to adopt through the state.  You don't have to be rich.  You have to have a bed, and a dresser.  And love.  And realistic expectations.  And a desire to be a change-agent.    To break a cycle.  To change lives.  To have fun.  To be a parent.

Adoption isn't for everyone.  Absolutely. Its an individual choice that needs to be made with a great deal of thought and prayer.  When we were considering it, we were given some really great advice:  "If you are going into this expecting exactly the same experience you have had with your biological kids, don't do it.  If you are in it for the adventure, jump right in."  Boy, has that proven to be true.  I love my boys, though, and can't imagine life without them.  Honestly, if my boys didn't have their special needs (and don't forget, Luke and Max were born very prematurely, so most kids in "the system" don't have their needs.  Most are more like Jake) I'd want to adopt again right now.  A couple of school aged girls.  We may still do it. Probably not, but we'll see.


Here are some great sources for more information on adoption from the foster care system.  Sometime I'll write more about our adoption story with our boys, but that "timer" went off a while ago.

Cute.  Available.  Hold me back.

Utah Adoption Exchange photo listing:  Cute kids I'd like to take home right now
The Utah Adoption Exchange How the process works in Utah
FAQ's on Adoption UTDCFS Adoption Site
National Photolistings of waiting kids AdoptUSkids