A Change of Plans

So, I'm alive.  And well.  Really.  Or at least mostly.  Right now I am getting over pneumonia, which isn't fun.  But, aside from hacking up a lung on occasion and not having much energy, I am feeling better,  in lots of ways.

Garrett came home early from his LDS mission a little over two weeks ago.  It seems like longer.  Seems almost like he never left.  Its weird.  The whole time he was gone was so emotional.  Such a roller coaster.  How is he doing today?  Is it a good day?  A bad day?  Will we get "the" phone call?

And then the phone call came.  It was so dramatic, so traumatic at first.  Friends and family were amazingly great.  So supportive.  So loving of us, and of Garrett.  Our bishop went out of his way to make Garrett feel welcome at church, as did so many people.  I was proud of my ward, proud of my Church.  I was proud of Garrett.  Home less than 24 hours and right there at all three meetings at church, and then, suggesting we go to choir together.  Brave kid.  

Now, well, it feels normal.  Was that really only two weeks ago?  We scrambled, and got him right back into school.  His cousin Chase got him a job at the rec center as a building supervisor.  He and his girlfriend Ashlie are close as ever.  He is happy.   Sometimes I get sad, but less and less often.  Its a grieving process.  This isn't what I planned for him.  For us.  For my ideal family.  But its good.  His testimony is intact, stronger than ever, he says.  And I have to believe him.  I want to believe him.  He hasn't given me reason not to believe him.  So I do.  And it gives me comfort.  A lot of comfort.

His future?  Well, no decisions for a while.  And that's a good thing.  Anyway, these aren't my decisions to make, darn it.  Ah, parenting adult children.  Certainly not for wimps.

And I still love my boy.

Before a Missionary, Just my Boy

Garrett, age six months

Three days before my birthday in 1992 a miracle joined the Spencer and Janet Sanders family.  A seven pound, seven ounce miracle we named Garrett Cole Sanders.  We were so excited.  Back in those days ultrasounds weren’t nearly as clear as they are today (I looked at the screen, smiled, nodded and wondered "Is that a baby, a squid, a space alien or..."), but we could have found out our baby's gender if we had wanted to.  We didn’t.  Spence said he didn’t care if we had a boy or a girl, but the absolute joy on this face when he saw our son betrayed his real feelings. 

Garrett has always brought joy to our family.  As a baby, he had blonde hair that would curl a little when it was on the long side.  He was happy and loving.  I got a little worried when he didn’t walk until he was 15 months old, but I had no cause.  Garrett was always bright- a big talker, and full of life.  One day when Garrett was really little, maybe two years old, and very tired he told us "I can't walk.  I need a wheelchair".

My superheroes

He was my little buddy when his sisters were in school.  He loved it when I would pick him up from pre-school and we would have salads with tuna on them.  Garrett always loved his salads.  He was the only kid on the block that would choose a Caesar Salad over a Happy Meal.

Garrett used to love to whistle.  He went through a period where he whistled all the time.    Just a happy little whistle. 

Garrett, age six

Not long after he started first grade Garrett came home one day and told me that he hated school, that it was stupid and boring.  What?  I went in and talked to his teacher.  She told me that she was pulling him out for reading and math because he was so far ahead of the rest of the kids, but that it wasn't really working.  She just couldn’t keep up with him.  He had another little friend, a tiny girl, who was in the same boat, and I remember how excited Garrett was when that friend brought him a Biology textbook (a college text?) as a present to read.  For fun. 

Age 11

We had him tested and he began to attend school in  ALPS (our district’s Accelerated Learners Program).  He stayed there through the ninth grade.  In ALPS Garrett made friends of all kinds- the “cool” kids, the jocks, the preps, the skate-boarders-but also the Steve-Erkel-esque little boy who wore his pants too high and did nothing but put together unbelievable Lego creations.  Garrett played trumpet in the Jazz band, skate boarded, learned a lot, and generally had a good time, no matter what. 

Garrett was always that way.  When I went with him for high school registration his senior year and walked down the halls nearly everyone we passed seemed to know him.  Red mohawk boy, music nerd, football player, the Molly Mormons and the “skanks”.  He has always had a gift with people.  Garrett decided to try to finish his Associates degree while he was still in high school.  He came close, always got good grades (except for a bit of a slip his ninth grade year, when I was going through my Cancer treatment, but that is a different post for a different day) did his homework without being nagged, and generally even seemed to like his parents through his teen years.  His room wasn’t always the cleanest, his haircut wasn’t always my favorite, but , seriously, very little drama.  We tell all of our older kids that they were just too easy, and that’s why we adopted their little brothers.  Lucas joined our family when Garrett was ten. 

Garrett, 13, with Lucas and Max

Speaking of his little brothers, one time, not long after we adopted Lucas and Max, someone at church pulled Garrett aside and asked him “So, what do you REALLY think about your parents adopting these boys?”  Garrett told him, much to his surprise, that he was glad.  And, I think, he generally has been glad.  He’s told me many times that our house would be boring without his little brothers.  I think that having the boys around has helped him stay grounded, and less self-centered than he might have been otherwise. I think that Garrett is confident, smart and good looking enough that he could have been one of the popular/snotty kids- maybe even a kid who would have accepted membership into the “posse” he was once invited to join.  He doesn't see the world through the eyes of entitlement- he's seen what it is to struggle, and that life isn't always easy or fair.  

Garrett and his cousin Chase 2010

Amen, Garrett.

And so, the years fly by and Garrett grows up.  The nineteenth birthday approaches, time for all young Latter Day Saint boys to consider serving a mission- giving up two years of their lives in the service of others and the Lord.  Wow.  


Next time, The Road to the MTC.

Not so Quiet, but Oh so Wonderful

Me and my men, quite the handsome bunch.

Its a quiet Sunday afternoon at my house.  So different from this time last weekend.  Last weekend was the most un-quiet weekend I've had in a very long time.  And one of the best weekends of my life.

I had been preparing for the not-so-quiet weekend for a long time.  I made my lists, "Must be done", "Like to do", etc..  Many items on these lists.  Found I wanted to do the things on the "Like to do" list (things like painting my backsplash in the kitchen- came out well I think!) ever so much more than things on the "Must be done" list (like thoroughly cleaning our too-many bathrooms).  Made my way through the lists remarkably well, for me.

The weekend started with a fun evening out with friends- dear friends, from here and from oh-so-far-away.  A night with friends where we went to four restaurants before finally finding one with where we didn't have too long of a wait, but who cared?  What we ate?  Trivial.  Afterwards coming home to my sis Lyn and her husband Mike who had just driven in from California.  Then, after midnight, the arrival of my awesome brother Dan, who I hadn't seen in two years, but who I related to instantly as well as if it had been only a moment.  Love these people.  Stayed up until 2:30am talking, moving from one room to another saying that we really should go to bed, and only finally stopping because of the big events awaiting us the next day.

Baptism preparation, aided by Veggie Tales

My son Lucas, who just turned nine, has mild/moderate autism.  His brother Max, thirteen months younger,  has serious learning disabilities and can be quite the *angry bird*, especially with me.  When my three older kids turned eight, there was no question that they would be baptized members of our church.  With these boys, it was a little less clear.  We wanted to be sure they understood what they were doing.  We decided it would be better if they were baptized together, going down into the font and being immersed could, after all, be scary.  Would Luke throw a fit and refuse to go in?  Would the family and friends waiting witness a meltdown (or two) of epic proportions?  Would Max loudly tell me to "shut up" and that he "hates me" like he often does when he is stressed?

Turned out my worries were unfounded.  When Lucas went into the font he beamed from ear to ear.  Holding his dad's hands, he looked up at the loving family and friends watching and loudly exclaimed "Hi Guys!!".  Everyone couldn't help laughing, even at this sacred time, but it was a laugh filled with love, understanding and appreciation for this boy.  Max was equally sweet as his big brother Garrett baptized him.  I was SO PROUD and filled with love for these boys, who have come SO far, and overcome SO much.  After the baptism these same family and friends came to our house and ate lunch with us while the kids played and we all visited.  Just perfect.

After a fun trip to the mall with friends (a mall girl I am definitely not- too cheap- but still a fun girl's time out) the cooking bonanza began in preparation for my son Garrett's mission farewell the next day.  It was a talking, cooking, snacking, laughing, running-to-the-store, extra-large Coke Zero drinking party late into the night.  And I loved it.

My missionary

Sunday morning Garrett and my husband Spence talked in church and my girls, my sister Lyn and I sang.  Oh how I love these people.  Garrett started out joking, like he always does.  Someone told me that they were watching the Stake President's face, and that he was smiling as Garrett started joking, then grew a little concerned as he continued joking, then relaxed into a smile as he grew more serious and gave an awesome talk.  So proud of this kid.  I'll be writing more about him later this week.  Oh man.  Can't start writing about him right now or I will totally lose it.  Must. be. strong.

I was fine until the girls and I were about most of the way through our song.  We sang "The Lord is my Light", one of our favorites.  Truth told, we pulled the whole thing together the night before and that morning.  We sang the first verse in unison, then Erin sang the second verse as a solo, then we sang the third verse acapella and the fourth verse with Erin singing a descant.  A dear friend said that Erin doesn't have a talent, she has a gift.  I agree.  I "lost it" during the acapella verse, when I looked at my girls standing beside me and thought about my family, and how incredibly much I love every one of them, and how blessed I am.  Breathe, Janet, just breathe.  Hold in those tears.  Hold it together.  You can do this.

Then the visitors came over.  First wonderful family and friends from outside our neighborhood, then so many from our neighborhood.  So much love, support and friendship for our family.  Overwhelming.  Laughing, small talk, heavier talk, hugs, delicious food, generous gifts to Garrett to help with his mission expenses.  We love these people and never want to move away from this place.  

Eventually the crowd thinned, then the clean up began.  Not much, just enough to keep us busy as we continued to talk.  A call came, come over and visit, we want to see you.  Pictures on the couch with my bffs (did I really just use that term?).  So much of my life I have longed for these kind of friends, friends I can be 100% myself with.  Friends who understand me, see my faults, and love me anyway.  Thank you friends, for helping me be more  of the "me" I've always been down deep inside.  

Now a week has passed.  Mikell has gone back to Provo to survive another week of second grade.  I'm sitting at the kitchen table typing away while Max and Jake go in and out of the door playing (yes, its Sunday, but parenting rules have become more lax with more time and children, get over it). Luke is skipping from room to room picking up various pieces of paper to hold.  Garrett is re-visiting a Star Wars video game he hasn't played in years.  Erin is doing the last few things she needs to do before she goes on a dreaded business trip in an hour.  My daughter on a business trip.  One of many.  A trip somewhat like the one her dad is on right now, the one that will keep him away as Garrett leaves Wednesday.  Breathe, Janet.  

Life is good.