Colonoscopy this week- read on if you dare---

My mother died of Colon Cancer when I was five .  I've had cancer myself twice, and my only sister has had it three times. Stupid stupid Cancer.  So much pain for so many people.  I'd like to punch it in the face.

Since I can't,  I am sure as *heck* going to do all I can not to let it have any more fun with this old body.  That means I get colonoscopies.  No, I'm not 50 quite yet- I started getting colonoscopies early because of my family history.  I think I've had five.  Polyps twice, three clean screens.  I know, this is more about my colon than you wanted to know.  Is it a "fun" experience? No.  Is it terrible, though?  Not really.  And its gotten better since I first got one.

In case you are interested, this is the straight "poop" on colonoscopies (I had to say this, my husband has been making lots to stupid puns about colonoscopies lately, and I do it as an homage to him- maybe he will stop now):

Appointment:  Wednesday, 9:30am
Prep starts: Monday evening- no solid food after 7:00pm.  Monday evening- Tuesday 5:00pm liquids only, no red dye. Delicious "solid" food breakfast of blue jello.  Mmmm.  Got an Icee at the gas station for "dinner", not as good as a Slurpee.  Get one of those next time.
Tuesday evening:  the fun begins.  Mix a WHOLE BOTTLE of Miralax into 64 oz of Gatorade/Powerade (I hate both).  Take four Dulcolax pills.  Drink 32 oz of the delicious Gatorade mixture, 8 oz at a time, every twenty minutes.  Do not go far from the restroom, as you will be visiting it many times.  Many times.  All night. 

Wednesday morning, 4:00am:  Wake up to your alarm, force yourself to go downstairs and get the Gatorade loveliness, start drinking it again.  Set your alarm for 20 minutes later to drink more, but accidentally set it for pm, so you don't wake up until your four year old gets in bed with you at about 7:00am.  Swear and panic a little.  Quickly drink the rest.  It finishes its job.

Honestly, the  appointment itself is easy.  Really.  Fill out the health history, give vitals, get an IV.  Put on the highly attractive gown.  Lay on the gurney and get wheeled into the procedure room.  Lay on your side.  Feel the warm lovely drugs go into the IV- the same stuff Michael Jackson took.  I understand why he liked it.  Zzzzzzz.  

In colonscopies past, they gave you Versed, which is a drug I hate, because it makes me STUPID and OUT OF CONTROL, two things that I hate to be.  The last time I had it I asked my husband on the way home if we were ever going to stop for lunch, and he told me that we already had (and I guess we had).  I almost punched him.  Hate that drug.

Anyway, wake up what feels like no time later.  Feel fine.  No pain.  Sleep a little.  Doctor comes in, tells you what they found or didn't find (in my case, this time they didn't find ANYTHING- YAY!!).   

Awesome nurses, including one that looked really familiar- we eventually realized that he was HAPPY ASIAN GUY from the gym!  This guy is amazing, always running around the track smiling, punching, running backwards, sprinting, and having the BEST TIME doing it. We joked and he brought me a Diet Coke.  Got a burger and fried zucchini without guilt on the way home.  Had a lazy day, painted my backsplash in the kitchen with a cool stencil my talented daughter made me.

So, why I am I writing a blog post about this?  Simple.

COLON CANCER IS THE SECOND LEADING CAUSE OF CANCER DEATH IN THE UNITED STATES and is 90 PERCENT CURABLE with proper screening.  NINETY PERCENT!!

-If colonoscopies had been around when mom was in her thirties and she had been screened, she might be alive for me to love and complain about today.

-If I had never had a colonoscopy and had the polyps I had in my thirties painlessly removed, I might be dead today.

So, its gross, you poop a lot during the prep, its embarrassing to think about someone looking up your bum.  Yup.  Oh well.  Come on folks, you can do this.

If you have a family history of colon cancer, go get screened.

If you are over 50, go get screened.

If your parents are over 50 and haven't gotten screened, kick their butts over to the doctor.  Seriously, folks, put on your big girl pants, and go get screened.

And, before you go in, for a little humorous relief, watch Ricky Gervais from the movie "Ghost Town" (love that show) as he goes in to  get a colonoscopy.  I wanted to post it here, but Youtube took it off, and I don't know how to cut a piece from my dvd. Grrr.

Next time.