The Adoption Option- My Story

I have a million and one things on my list to do today, but that doesn't matter.  The timer is set, I have 30 minutes to write this post.  And I need to.  Because it is important.


November is National Adoption Month.  And adoption is a subject I feel passionately about. Very passionately.  So be prepared.


As you probably know, I was adopted by my sister when I was twelve.  As a result of cancer she contracted with a pregnancy at 18 years of age, my sister couldn't have biological children.  So, she adopted not only me, but five other children.  Dan (as a baby), Amy (from Korea- adopted at age 15), Sabrina and Jon (bi-racial African-American/white, adopted at ages five and three from the foster care system) and Katie (adopted as a baby, profoundly deaf). Once a newspaper in the Portland area did a feature on our "Rainbow" family.  Things weren't always easy with all of these kids (still aren't).  We've all had our unique bag of issues.  But we love each other, and we have each other.  We're family.


After we had our third child, our son Garrett, Spence and I weren't able to biologically have more children.  We were okay with that for a while, but once Erin (our oldest) reached about ninth grade we had a bit of a panic.  We weren't ready to be done being parents!  We are the oldest in both of our families, and our siblings and friends were still having young kids.  We didn't feel old, or eager to be "done".  We decided to look into adoption.


We thought about foreign adoption but decided it wasn't for us. The cost is high, usually at least $30K, and there are (believe it or not) weight requirements.  We knew that the chances of a birth mother here in the U.S. choosing us, an "older", non-perfect looking couple who already had three children were slim (and that way costs a lot, too).  We looked into adoption through the state.

Long story short, our family has grown from three to six wonderful children, who have blessed our lives more than I can say.
What about you?  Have you ever considered adoption?  Did you know that...

• There are 107,000 children currently waiting for permanent homes in the United States.  Hundreds waiting in the state of Utah.  Many are BABIES.  Did you know that there are many babies available right now, in Utah?
• Adoption through the state costs NOTHING.  Zero.  Zip.  Most also come with Medicaid cards, so all medical costs are covered for them until they are eighteen, even after adoption.
• Yes, these children come from high risk backgrounds.  Most are victims of abuse or neglect so they will probably have issues that you will have to work through.  Honestly, though, most people who have unplanned pregnancies are risk takers, so you may be getting the same high-risk type background in a child you adopt privately.
• You don't have to be perfect to adopt through the state.  You don't have to be rich.  You have to have a bed, and a dresser.  And love.  And realistic expectations.  And a desire to be a change-agent.    To break a cycle.  To change lives.  To have fun.  To be a parent.

Adoption isn't for everyone.  Absolutely. Its an individual choice that needs to be made with a great deal of thought and prayer.  When we were considering it, we were given some really great advice:  "If you are going into this expecting exactly the same experience you have had with your biological kids, don't do it.  If you are in it for the adventure, jump right in."  Boy, has that proven to be true.  I love my boys, though, and can't imagine life without them.  Honestly, if my boys didn't have their special needs (and don't forget, Luke and Max were born very prematurely, so most kids in "the system" don't have their needs.  Most are more like Jake) I'd want to adopt again right now.  A couple of school aged girls.  We may still do it. Probably not, but we'll see.


Here are some great sources for more information on adoption from the foster care system.  Sometime I'll write more about our adoption story with our boys, but that "timer" went off a while ago.

Cute.  Available.  Hold me back.

Utah Adoption Exchange photo listing:  Cute kids I'd like to take home right now
The Utah Adoption Exchange How the process works in Utah
FAQ's on Adoption UTDCFS Adoption Site
National Photolistings of waiting kids AdoptUSkids

The Gratitude Attitude or A Different Kind of Nester

There have been lots of changes afoot at the Sanders' home lately.  Garrett left on his mission 18 days ago.  It feels like longer.  Sometimes I still think things like, "I'll have to have Garrett help me with this or that computer thingy" or "Its okay, Garrett will eat up the rest".  And then I remember, nope, he can't, he won't.  But its okay, its good.  He's doing well, better all the time, adjusting to the regimented world of the MTC.  Growing and learning about himself and the gospel.  I'm so proud of him.

Mikell isn't engaged yet, but it won't be long.  She's busy with her cute boy in Provo most of the time, and that's okay.  Last night they came up and we went shopping and for pizza and watched a movie.  It was great. 

And now, Erin is also moving back out.  She has some nice friends in Provo who just had a space open up in their apartment (house, actually) and she's going to take it.  I am supportive, they are fun girls, and very much like Erin.  They like to talk about issues and watch Dr. Who, just like Erin.  And they have "guy friends" who hang out at their house all of the time.  Older, LDS, nerdy guy friends.  Just Erin's type.

So, why, as I write about all of these good things, do I feel like breaking down and crying?  Really.  A lot.  My nest is not empty.  It is filled with three awesome little boys, and a great husband.  It just isn't the same.  I miss my big kids.  It makes me sad that they are now visitors, that soon none of them will live here. I am a boob.

I can't imagine if I didn't have the little boys, and this was "It". What if I really was an "empty nester" now?  I've thought about that quite a bit lately. So weird.  I don't feel nearly old enough.  I wonder if that is how everyone feels.  I was in such a hurry to be done having kids before I was thirty.  Why?   


I know that if we hadn't adopted the boys we would be in a different "place" right now.  I would probably have finished up my administrative endorsement and might be a principal.  I would definitely still be teaching in the classroom, instead of just online.  We would have more money, maybe we could travel more.  Maybe it would be enough.  Can't say.  Chances are, I'd still be a boobing it up right about now.

So, I am thinking that I am going to start a gratitude journal, to help me get through these growing pains, this time of adjustment.  Every day, at least until Thanksgiving, I'm going to make a list of things I am grateful for- some of the many good things in my life.  It might even make me happier, less stressed and healthier, like it says here, here and here .

Wow.  Impressive.  Not happening.

Gratitude Journal, Part One
Today, I am grateful for (in no particular order):

*hair that is much softer now than it used to be before I lost it during chemo
*extended family to share holidays with
*cinnamon rolls
*contact lenses (monovision these days)
*a husband who will sit down and play Legos with the boys on a Sunday afternoon
*caffeinated mix-ins- especially wild strawberry
*children who like to crawl in my lap
*thyroid replacement hormone
*14 year old boys who brave the cold to collect fast offerings, even though they would rather be playing video games
*people who love and accept my kids

How about you?  What are you grateful for? 

ps- If you, like me, aren't ambitious enough to put together a journal like the one in the picture above, there are also some great sites online where you can put together and share gratitude journals , like this and this .  


More things I am thankful for:
11/7   1) disinfecting wipes for my half bath (I have three little boys, need I say more?), 2) ksl.com classifieds, 3) off-track camp at Herriman Rec. Center, 4)Coke Zero with vanilla and 5) people who FOLLOW and COMMENT ON my blog (ah-hem!) :)
11/8  Medications to help with my son's anxiety, EXERCISE, flat irons, a warmer day, and an evening to look forward to.
11/10  E-mails from Garrett, daughters who understand, other people's blogs, the way crying makes you feel better, DVR's. 
11/11 Getting completely caught up on work, hair dye, I love you's, veterans, husband's who have Veteran's Day off. 
11/12  Sundays with the family, chocolate no-bake cookies, "10 kisses" from Max, courageous and caring friends, boots.
11/16 Costco samples, digital cameras, cozy blankets, beautiful flowers, ibuprofen. 
11/18 Cell phones, pinterest, grapes, growing sons, loving daughters, Redbox.

Before a Missionary, Just my Boy

Garrett, age six months

Three days before my birthday in 1992 a miracle joined the Spencer and Janet Sanders family.  A seven pound, seven ounce miracle we named Garrett Cole Sanders.  We were so excited.  Back in those days ultrasounds weren’t nearly as clear as they are today (I looked at the screen, smiled, nodded and wondered "Is that a baby, a squid, a space alien or..."), but we could have found out our baby's gender if we had wanted to.  We didn’t.  Spence said he didn’t care if we had a boy or a girl, but the absolute joy on this face when he saw our son betrayed his real feelings. 

Garrett has always brought joy to our family.  As a baby, he had blonde hair that would curl a little when it was on the long side.  He was happy and loving.  I got a little worried when he didn’t walk until he was 15 months old, but I had no cause.  Garrett was always bright- a big talker, and full of life.  One day when Garrett was really little, maybe two years old, and very tired he told us "I can't walk.  I need a wheelchair".

My superheroes

He was my little buddy when his sisters were in school.  He loved it when I would pick him up from pre-school and we would have salads with tuna on them.  Garrett always loved his salads.  He was the only kid on the block that would choose a Caesar Salad over a Happy Meal.

Garrett used to love to whistle.  He went through a period where he whistled all the time.    Just a happy little whistle. 

Garrett, age six

Not long after he started first grade Garrett came home one day and told me that he hated school, that it was stupid and boring.  What?  I went in and talked to his teacher.  She told me that she was pulling him out for reading and math because he was so far ahead of the rest of the kids, but that it wasn't really working.  She just couldn’t keep up with him.  He had another little friend, a tiny girl, who was in the same boat, and I remember how excited Garrett was when that friend brought him a Biology textbook (a college text?) as a present to read.  For fun. 

Age 11

We had him tested and he began to attend school in  ALPS (our district’s Accelerated Learners Program).  He stayed there through the ninth grade.  In ALPS Garrett made friends of all kinds- the “cool” kids, the jocks, the preps, the skate-boarders-but also the Steve-Erkel-esque little boy who wore his pants too high and did nothing but put together unbelievable Lego creations.  Garrett played trumpet in the Jazz band, skate boarded, learned a lot, and generally had a good time, no matter what. 

Garrett was always that way.  When I went with him for high school registration his senior year and walked down the halls nearly everyone we passed seemed to know him.  Red mohawk boy, music nerd, football player, the Molly Mormons and the “skanks”.  He has always had a gift with people.  Garrett decided to try to finish his Associates degree while he was still in high school.  He came close, always got good grades (except for a bit of a slip his ninth grade year, when I was going through my Cancer treatment, but that is a different post for a different day) did his homework without being nagged, and generally even seemed to like his parents through his teen years.  His room wasn’t always the cleanest, his haircut wasn’t always my favorite, but , seriously, very little drama.  We tell all of our older kids that they were just too easy, and that’s why we adopted their little brothers.  Lucas joined our family when Garrett was ten. 

Garrett, 13, with Lucas and Max

Speaking of his little brothers, one time, not long after we adopted Lucas and Max, someone at church pulled Garrett aside and asked him “So, what do you REALLY think about your parents adopting these boys?”  Garrett told him, much to his surprise, that he was glad.  And, I think, he generally has been glad.  He’s told me many times that our house would be boring without his little brothers.  I think that having the boys around has helped him stay grounded, and less self-centered than he might have been otherwise. I think that Garrett is confident, smart and good looking enough that he could have been one of the popular/snotty kids- maybe even a kid who would have accepted membership into the “posse” he was once invited to join.  He doesn't see the world through the eyes of entitlement- he's seen what it is to struggle, and that life isn't always easy or fair.  

Garrett and his cousin Chase 2010

Amen, Garrett.

And so, the years fly by and Garrett grows up.  The nineteenth birthday approaches, time for all young Latter Day Saint boys to consider serving a mission- giving up two years of their lives in the service of others and the Lord.  Wow.  


Next time, The Road to the MTC.