The Absolutely Necessary Rule

I once got some good parenting advice from a woman with eight children. They ranged in age from about 14 to 28 and all seemed to be intelligent, confident, NICE people. I asked her how she and her husband had managed to raise such great kids, and this is what she told me: "I only say "No" when it is Absolutely Necessary." I asked her what she meant by that. She said, "When my kids ask if they can do something, I ask myself: Is what they want to do morally or physically dangerous? If the answer is no, I say yes."

I've given this advice a lot of thought over the years, and tried to put it into practice whenever I can. Saying "Yes" isn't always convenient, and sometimes it makes me worry.  "Mom, can we build a fort in the living room?" That one's not too hard.  Re-folding ten-plus blankets isn't my idea of fun, but its survivable.   How about when your seventeen year old son wants to go out of town with his girlfriend and her family for a couple of days?   Much harder.  When I was in this situation I told myself the following:  "He is a great kid. He will be well-supervised.  It will be okay.  It is not morally or physically dangerous.  I have no real reason, except fear, for saying 'No'."  We said yes, and he was fine.  The fact that we said "yes" showed him that we trusted him.  And, from my experience, built our relationship more than two days of him moping around the house while his girlfriend's family was gone would have.

Had the circumstances been different, or with a different kid, my answer might have been different. With my three now-young-adult-aged kids, the "Absolutely Necessary Rule" worked wonders. They are great people and some of my very best friends in the world.  My role with them now is more to give advice than permission.  Its been an interesting transition, and giving up control of what they can and can't do is sometimes hard.  The answers that seem clear to me don't always seem that way to them.  I'm still learning  how to do this parenting-adult-children thing.

Maybe its a good thing that I'm getting a second chance at parenting with my young kids.  Maybe with them the Absolutely Necessary rule won't work as well, because of their special needs.  I think, though,  that mostly it will.  I guess time will tell.