Your Reaction to Autism- What Helps, and What Doesn't

My life is crazy busy right now.  Really really super crazy not-one-moment-to-spare busy.  Eat-too-much crap-food-to-stay-awake busy.  Can't-sleep (happens when I am overly stressed) busy.  Busy-with-mostly-good-things busy, but still too busy.  I'm going to do something about this overly-busy-ness soon, really, but right now I'm going to take a few minutes to put the busy-ness aside and write this. 

The whole fam at Soldier Hollow.

 Last night we went on a long-planned outing with the whole family (10 of us these days!) up to go tubing at Soldier Hollow with our Groupons.  Tubing when its 60 degrees outside?  Yup.  Place closes this weekend, and who knew we'd have the warmest and weirdest winter ever this year when we picked this date?  Anyway, it was lots of fun even though we only took one "run" in the sluggish slush and then got rainchecks for next season.  We ate dinner at Dairy Keen in quaint Heber City, which the kids loved for the trains going around the room and we loved for the onion rings.    Everyone was happy.  It was a great night, but a late one.  So, this morning, I decided to let the little boys "sleep in".  Mistake number one.

Because, you see, I broke the routine, and if there is one thing an autistic person doesn't like, its a break in routine. 

Before we left the house my autistic son Lucas (9) was a little more hyper than usual, climbing up and down on the furniture, running back and forth across the room, chest butting his brothers, singing whale songs (Luke's current obsession is whales), refusing to get dressed so I had to dress him like a toddler- basically not a great morning, but not a terrible one. Not that different from hundreds (thousands?) of other mornings at the Sanders house.

Then we took Max (8) to his school to check him in.  Lucas was "on one".  Running through the halls with his sweatshirt hanging off his shoulders (pet peeve of mine), pushing Jacob (5), being loud- literally bouncing off the walls.  Nothing I could do to stop him.  He ran up to the closed glass door of Max's classroom where someone (a visitor?) was up in front teaching the class and threw himself *hard* against the glass with both arms up, then loudly "melted" down the door.  Not only everyone in the class saw it, but all of the other kids who were nearby in the hall area doing reading groups, etc..  Everyone just stopped and stared. I quickly said goodbye to Max, told him to try hard and have a good day and  picked Lucas up, kicking and screaming (remember, he's nine, so picking him is getting harder and harder- what will I do when I can't carry him any more?), and carried him away as he loudly told me "I want a drink" "I don't care about you" and "I'm going to run away".

Lovely fun.  

By the time we got to Lucas' school, though, he was fine.  He happily held my hand as I walked him to his class and he told me "I love you Mommy".  That's the thing with Austism.  Thankfully, at least in my Lucas' case, the hard times don't last.

So here's the deal.  What do you do when you see a kid obviously misbehaving like this?  Do you judge the parent?  Do you think to yourself  "Why doesn't that parent control his/her child?".  Do you "tsk tsk" under your breath?  Do you turn away, awkwardly pretending that you don't see what is going on?  I know I've probably done all of these things at one time or another.   

The truth is, you don't know what is going on with that child and that parent.  Maybe the child has a disability you can't necessarily see, whether its autism or something else.  Maybe (probably) that parent is as embarrassed and dismayed (or more) by the behavior you are seeing as you are.  Maybe that parent is doing everything they can, while trying to manage their lives and their other children.  Maybe they have made great strides with that kid, but right now the kid is just having a moment. 

I recently came across a blog post about this that I really loved.  Here is the link.  Take a minute and read it.

And, next time you see a child melting down, consider what to do.  Consider looking at the parent with compassion, rather than judgement.  Consider offering to help, especially if they have younger children that they are also trying to manage.  Consider saying something like "It must be hard"  rather than "I know just what you are going through.  My little Jimmy (normal kid) once had a tantrum in the grocery store and ........."

I remember the quote I used to hear a lot as a kid.  It went something like this 

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his moccasins".

And for those of you who are already doing everything I said, those who support and love us and our kids, no matter how they are acting, THANK YOU.  You don't know how much it means to us.